WHILE I WAS AWAY

                                                               

I am not going to say happy New Year because that’s just all types of WRONG.  LOL. I am just going to pretend like I didn’t abandon this blog for months unending and I spoke to everyone last week.

Where do i begin? ALOOOOOT has happened since i have last being here.

There is so much I want to talk about today I can’t even pick a topic. Funny enough, this blog post was started about a week ago and again I stopped and then dropped it back in my note pad. I read a story this morning of the girl that killed   herself because she was almost 30 and NOT married.

Society today, (myself inclusive) have concocted this notion that once you pass the age of 26 and are approaching 30 and are not married you have absolutely failed miserably at life. All other achievements are null and void. 26 not married “Something is definitely wrong with her”

My younger sisters are married so according to the world my life should be on pause and i should stand at the bus stop with a placard raised high above my head signifying’ impending doom single and pushing 30”.  After my youngest sis got engaged, people were more concerned about how I was “feeling”?  I got more messages of “you are next in JESUS NAME’, Than congratulations. Human beings, vile creatures .

Oh my God. The truth is as nonchalant and lackadaisical as I am there is only so much a human being can take psychologically. I am not one to talk about my feelings with nobody EVER. I perceive that as weakness. I’d just more rather cry myself to sleep at night or my best go to option, EAT!

I think my breaking point was when the last guy I dated told me that something was wrong with me that’s why all the men that came into my life always left. I knew there was nothing wrong with me, but my subconscious absorbed what he said and unfortunately for me I started to believe him, maybe something was actually WRONG with me, and down the rabbit hole I went from there.

In the last 5 months I gained a whooping ’67 lbs. I would break into sudden panic attacks and go to the bathroom and just stay there and CRY! There were days when I would try to pray but because I didn’t know what exactly the problem was, the only thing that would come out of my mouth would be ‘GOD PLEASE HELP ME”.  I had no joy whatsoever.  

I took a word that the devil put in my head through a human being and dwelt on it and believed it. I was a mess. I am the best at keeping up appearances so trust me it was undetectable. I was smiling and waving like the penguins in Madagascar.

I would wake up and try to find a time and a place where I was happy; I JUST couldn’t get back there. Every week I would hop on the scale and just watch my weight go up and up and up and the worst part was i wasn’t willing to try to save myself. Somehow i had settled into this darkness it was easier than facing reality.

Ironically people would still email me and come to me for advice and I would gladly help them out. Telling them what exercises to do and what foods to avoid and I would go on and do the exact opposite. I would work out and then go back and eat CRAP.I had gone from size 14 jeans in summer back to my size 22 (boy was I glad I didn’t throw those away) Ridiculous.

Christmas was the ultimate struggle.  I had had surgery on my right eye so I couldn’t travel home for the holidays. My Family left me and went back home to Nigeria and I was ALL BY MYSELF FOR a month. IT WAS HORRIBLE.  I am not going to go into detail but by January 1^st   2015 I was weighing in at 303 POUNDS.  

On good days, which became a rarity I would try to see all the good that had happened in my life, which honestly when I am not focused on the darkness was actually ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. (I AM SUPERHUMANISH LOL). The question “how are you?” would always come with the big lie of I am fine as my answer. I WASNT FINE.

On one of my morning drives to work in January, I was sitting listening to this guy on my stereo, and he was talking about this book called ‘365 days with Jesus” began to read it THAT BOOK SAVED MY LIFE

My morning routine used to be, wake up, search for my phone and rush to instagram, compare my life with other peoples life’s and then go ahead to feel sorry for myself, go into the bathroom get on the scale and see i had amassed another pound or even three.

Anyways I got my book and at first I would read it just because, and then gradually as the days would go by, I started to take it more seriously and relate the message to my everyday life. Someone told me about “open heavens” and I got that too and believe me slowly but surely i am beginning to climb out of that darkness. I wake up every morning with my bible by my side, feeling expectant for the message of the day.

On Sunday, Bishop TD Jakes, preached the message, ‘process to progress” He ended that message by saying that God was getting ready to turn “MY’ situation around. I can’t explain how exhilarating it was, I took the word and believed it.

Now, why am i sharing this very vulnerable part of my life with you? Is it because I want some negative Nancy to jump on here and judge me? Or I need someone to feel sorry for me? Thank you in advance, I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me I have had 5 treacherous months to do that and I am DONE!

It is to encourage someone. I still struggle daily. I went to bed last night a little anxious and I got up this morning and one of my bible readings for the day was ‘Habakkuk 2;3’ That was all I needed to go on my merry way.

 As regards my weight loss, last time i checked, I am down to 283 llbs. I am back in the gym and putting in Werk. I wasn’t really worried about the weight gain, because I have that ONLOCK, I know exactly what to do to get the weight down, although its frustrating to start all over again.

Anytime I feel like slipping up i get up and speak Gods words back to him “Godfessions’ Father u said man shall not live by bread alone right? You gat to come and take this demonic craving for   cinnamon pretzels away (Those things can make me commit sin) and believe it or NOT, he comes and makes my butternut squash soup taste like ice cream. LOL.

This blog was my outlet when I first started this journey, where I could come and rant and laugh and cry about good and bad , so i am back people , am going to take you on this whirlwind with me, through and through.

I am going to leave you with this message, “ WHEN YOU ARE DOWN TO NOTHING, ALWAYS REMEMBER GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING, TAKE IT AND LEAVE IT AT GODS FEET.

Have a blessed day people and see you next week, yes I said it next week. Lol

Nossybelle out.X