I AM FAT AGAIN, WHAT NEXT?


Has anyone listened to this song " the broken beautiful"by Ellie Holcomb? You all should download it's a really beautiful song.

One of the lines in the chorus says 

"You will take broken things and make them beautiful, you took my shame and walked out of the grave. Your love takes broken things and make them beautiful".

I need all the courage I can to write this post. So i left that song to sit on repeat while I kept typing. I hope I post this one this time because a lot have been written and deleted because and if I do we will dedicate this one to Ellie Holcomb. 

Let's start from the very beginning. I started my weight loss journey back in 2013 I didn't know what i was doing. I just knew that I wanted to loose weight. one year down and about 150 pounds later, I was loving my entire life and feeling like a champion. 

Fast forward 2015, I put on back all of the weight I lost and some more. yes I said and some more...Welp. I tried everything in 2015 everything .. I struggled and struggled and one day, I just threw in the towel. I remember sometime in October I told my sister I didn't think i would make it to the new year and she shut that down really quickly. That's just to tell u how bad things got.

I started to envy the dead. I actually opened my mouth and said the dead were free from the troubles of this world. 

The devil really tried it with me in 2015. Guess what? I am here so that goes to tell me ALOT about myself. I am a survivor. Those who smile the widest hurt the deepest. 

The more things deteriorated, the more I cried and ate and slept and cried some more . 2015 was such a shit shit shit year ..like if I had the opportunity to erase the last 365 days by some miracle process I definitely will lie down and let them get it over with.


A lot of people asked me when I sent in my last post,why ain't you writing about your weightloss anymore ? Well the truth is because there is really nothing to write about. I am ashamed that I have gone back to the exact place where I started.The beginning.

I have deliberated over and over again wether to write this post but something clicked today when that song came on and I decided to. Because somebody out there may be going through IT as well and I really want them to know that the only way from down is up. It only gets better..

Am I scared ? Yes, because I know this post will be scrutinized and dissected and i will be judged ( it is allowed) I'll probably do same. we are all human right ? but if I didn't, I will be doing exactly what I did last year that engulfed my whole life. Hide and pretend, hope wish and know that nothing will ever change if I didn't change anything. 

Truth is I gained all of my weight back and then some and that's really hard to write for the whole world to see. but It feels so good to say it out loud, like this heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulder.so there you go people I am FAT again. 

This is NOT a pity party. This is a very strong disclaimer.i do not want anyone to feel sorry for me because I do not feel sorry for myself at least not anymore. I am just fat not dying of a terminal disease and an hour a day for 5 days in the week at the gym consecutively with watching my food portion will fix that it's simple maths .( easier said than done) but pls don't cry for me Argentina. It's not that serious.

I spent 2015 hiding, unhappy and mostly miserable. That year really rocked my boat. And when I said I would spend the rest of my life getting over it in my last post, I wasn't just writing I meant it.

From loosing my job, to getting dumped, public anxiety attacks, to being diagnosed with clinical depression,these are a few of my favourite things in 2015.

I was supposed to go watch fireworks on New Year's Eve and last minute I decided to go to church instead .. My prayer point that night as I cried and left it all on the alter was that God should change my story. Heal me from the inside out. 

I know for a fact that something happened that night and there was a shift in my entire spirit a change has come and my story has changed .yes it has . 

Now the loosing it part, that's the really difficult part. Not because I can't or won't go to the gym, but because i have to go through the emotional hula balu of blood, sweat and tears again. I did it before though so I have this thing on lock. LOL

So this is me coming to you again... Cliche right? I know. But that's why I created this blog to help me be accountable to myself.

So in the words of my famous first post on this blog, I am coming out, and I want the world to know (again) Lool. Stay with me. I am going somewhere.i promise you.

I will be updating you guys on my weightloss on a weekly basis the plan is to drop 120 pounds by Dec 31st 2016. 10 pounds a month, absolutely doable so far I leave bread and bread leaves me alone. 

The only thing you have to do is sit back and enjoy as u take this ride with me (again).

Side note : shout out to all those who found my predicament funny, made jokes about my weight gain to my hearing,Said I will not be able to do it again, or are sitting waiting to make a snide remark .this journey is specially dedicated to you. know this, when I am out of breath and feel like my lights are about to go out, I focus on your voices and I go HARDER,so thank you very much for igniting my fire.

Ladies and gentlemen it's about to be LIT. 

It's go time. 

Talk soon.

Nossybelle out. Xx



Comments

Anonymous said…
Hugs dear! You're truly a survivor and you WILL make it!

I know what it feels like to feel like one has lost out on an entire year! I am on a journey on my own - albeit very different from yours. In a few months I will be celebrating my 7th year of marriage with my husband and we are yet to have kids! It is painful with each year that passes by. The hopes, tries, expectant faith rises and falls and on it goes...

But where there is life there is hope.... All is well that ends well and all will be well...

You are strong, open and I truly admire your strength. You have done it before and will do it again. Focus on that picture you want and you will get it!

I wish you God's speed and Blessings on your journey for 2016. I will be checking up on you and know that you will make it :)
Chili Pepa said…
Thank you so much for this post! Most of the time when you are going through things it feels like there is no one else that understands, you feel so alone. That is why posts like this help. I am grateful for your story and I can totally relate.

I too, felt it would be better if I was dead last year. I even caught myself twice as I sought fast methods to end my life. You see, the thing was that I was totally disappointed in myself that I have been unable to find my feet economically years after having my child and being abandoned by her dad. Add to that incurable illness and the fact that I am not a spring chicken and I felt my life was not meant to be. You can read my story, if you have the time, on my blogs asitwasnotinthebeginning.wordpress.com and shadesofgreymatters.blogspot.com. But I totally understand how you feel. Luckily for me I was able to have a phone conversation with a shrink and the thoughts of suicide are gone but I am still battling with unhappiness.

But for what it is worth though, you are not a failure to me. You are proof that it can be done becaue I have been following your progress for a long time. And I believe in you enough to believe you can do it again.
God bless you.
Ibhade Odigie said…
We believe in you Nossybelle, always have and always will. 👍🏾
Anonymous said…
You can do it. You may want to ask for professional help ie dieticians and personal trainers. They may help physiological as well. I know it can be expensive but maybe worth it. Or have you tried signing up for 'The Biggest loser'? Think about it. I too have struggled with weight all my life and I have managed to keep it Down. I find that just being accountable to myself alone doesn't work so maybe if you are accountable to someone else or for something else it may work. Praying with you. Don't give up
Ivie Edward said…
Don't give up!! Never give up! You are stronger than those voices that want you to give up! We are cheering you! We who know the fight you are going through! And when you reach the finish line, we will be right there waiting to raise you up while you hold your Trophy!!
Tomi Awoyemi said…
We love you Nosa, Keep going strong. You inspired us all when you lost weight the first time. You can do it again. :)
nosayaba bello said…
I have thought about you everyday since u commented on this blog, and I pray for you. 7 is the number of completion and this year u will carry your baby in Jesus name .
Hold onto this verse,
Joel 2:25 "I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten, the cankerworm the caterpillar and palmerworm"
2016 is your year, you shall dance like David danced. Speak it prophesy it and it shall come to pass .God bless you .
nosayaba bello said…
Thank you my sweet heart
nosayaba bello said…
Thank you & God bless you.
nosayaba bello said…
Yes my love, am back and am better 💋
nosayaba bello said…
Thank you very much .
nosayaba bello said…
You shall not die but live, to declare the glory of the lord in the land of the living.

Like I said in my post it can only get better .

Thank you and God bless you
Anonymous said…
Amen! Thank you dear. That is one verse I have been holding onto! You pretty much spoke my declarations! I am truly expectant that this year will end with me being a Mummy IJN!

Thanks for the well wishes, much appreciated. Wish you the best too. Looking to read about your journey. God Bless.
Anonymous said…
..
Anonymous said…
Hey Nosa...

(BTW its crazy how I have convinced myself that we are friends...lol)

Its so good to have you back.

Thank God for your bravery.I understand every single thing about this blog post...it really is a struggle and an uphill climb but everyday the sun comes up is a mental journey you are winning and will win by God's grace.Scale victories & Non scale victories will never matter as much as having a new chance everyday to live.

This is similar to my journey too and has been for my whole adult life. Clad with a 32 year old "zero self-worth" and not having any good thing to say about me even to myself, I took a big step last year and had the vertical sleeve surgery.

It was my last chance to get my life back after years of dieting and going back to square one. Although it is the best thing I have ever done for my health, this post is not to advocate or sell this to anyone ( my closest friends do not even know this...just my family as it is very personal), I am merely saying I am also living with the struggles of being a young single morbidly obese woman and though happiness really comes from within, what I see in the mirror daily competes with the happiness within and wins most of the time.Some may judge and say it took they easy way out, but to each their own. My path is mine.The depth of sadness that being overweight takes you to sometimes cannot even been explained with mere words.

I have followed your journey and your will power is incredible dude...(What a beast!!!) That is why I know everything you said about re-starting is the truth! A day at a time...as long as the sun comes up ( *Jokes Well I am not sure what the sun is like in that your Canada oh) its another chance to fight to be what we want to be and to get a step closer to seeing ourselves even in the tiniest bit of how God see us...Nothing short of Awesome...

So Dear Fat, if you are reading this, Prepare to die.

xx
Anonymous said…
Nosa,

Nice post and. I believe you will loss the weight all over again. I am someone who has struggled with weight, lossing and regaining weight. Have you considered bariatric surgery? Have a chat with your doctor because so far it is the best thing i ever did for me. Good luck
Vero Ijomah said…
Hi, Nosa.
You can do this. From someone who has lost the weight severally and regained it with JARA , I can understand entirely. I have restarted my weightloss again and this time, I am believing God , it will be the last time. I have about 130 pounds to lose and I know it is doable in a year.My first target is to to be below a 100kg on my birthday in August and 4-5kg loss per month will get me there.

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us !!!!!!
lots of love
Vera
canoediaries said…
This is not a pity party truly. This post resonates with me. You can do it nosa i believe in you.
Anonymous said…
hm interesting randomly running into this post on the internet, but then again, there are no randoms. A lot to say to you internet stranger. First, you are missing the triumph point that you lost 150lbs, try celebrating your wins, rather than what seems like a defeat. Do you know how hard it is to lose 50lbs, let alone 150lbs? I weigh 150lbs just so you know. Millions of people try to lose a fraction of what you did, but fall short. Rather than focusing on all the weight you gained back, focus your energy on your wins. This post could have been an entirely different one, if you did this, and Like a microscope, What we focus on, we enlarge. Secondly, with all the talk about not feeling good about yourself etc I can 100 percent assure you that attaching your self worth or self esteem, to ANYTHING other than The Truth of your existence, will only lead to a false sense of security which is built on shaky grounds that the winds and trials will blow away and won't stand the test of time. Now knowing This Truth [The Truth that The Master said and told his disciples, that once we knew it, it would automatically set us free] is the starting point of every accomplishment and secret to greatness, true greatness my dear friend. Without this knowledge, the people perish and life is filled with pain and anguish, even with success, without knowledge of this Truth, a void remains. Without sounding harsh, you don't yet know this Truth or your consciousness comprehends this Truth in such a slight and trifle way, it's negligible in making any positive significant and lasting impact on your life. If you had even a slight understanding​ or knowing of this Truth, you clearly won't even write 99 percent of what you wrote on here. So, I sympathize with you, not cos you write all these things about you being overweight, but because you are starving in Spiritual Food. You are yet to come into a sizeable understanding of this Truth. Don't worry, less than 10 percent of the Human population know this Truth or even know they are on a journey. This is why we attach our self esteem to external things: money, our looks, accomplishment​ etc Why are you losing weight? Do you think being a figure 8 will give you this Truth? Why you do something matters even more than the thing you seem to be doing. If you're losing weight because you want to live a healthy life, is a completely different drive than losing weight because you want to compete in a beauty pageant​ and look like a girl from the cover of Sports Illustrated. Sometimes, it's both and there's nothing wrong with that. However, your self esteem and inner self worth shouldn't be tied to it. I know this sounds cliche, but once you get rid of this "mental error" in your mind that your existence​ isn't tied to anything in the external, you actually have won the first and most important battle of life right there. You seemly get rid of the "mental burden" of sort of competing with yourself to lose weight and simply be and naturally incorporate it into your lifestyle, like waking up and brushing your teeth, you don't struggle to do that, cos you don't give it much thought and pay any attention to it. Perhaps, this is why you gained all that weight back. If you were simply doing it naturally, you wouldn't even realize you lost any weight, and it wouldn't feel like such a challenge​, it would feel natural. It can only feel natural, if you don't feel like u must lose weight to feel good about yourself or you must lose weight to feel xyz. You are resisting and focusing on it Soo much, it's become a big deal to you, when in actuality, it isn't. I have very many things to say to you o sleeper. visit my private blog and begin the true and lasting change, the only change that matters napstonecom.wordpress.com

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