I AM FAT AGAIN, WHAT NEXT?

Has anyone listened to this song " the broken beautiful"by Ellie Holcomb? You all should download it's a really beautiful song.

One of the lines in the chorus says 

"You will take broken things and make them beautiful, you took my shame and walked out of the grave. Your love takes broken things and make them beautiful".

I need all the courage I can to write this post. So i left that song to sit on repeat while I kept typing. I hope I post this one this time because a lot have been written and deleted because and if I do we will dedicate this one to Ellie Holcomb. 

Let's start from the very beginning. I started my weight loss journey back in 2013 I didn't know what i was doing. I just knew that I wanted to loose weight. one year down and about 150 pounds later, I was loving my entire life and feeling like a champion. 

Fast forward 2015, I put on back all of the weight I lost and some more. yes I said and some more...Welp. I tried everything in 2015 everything .. I struggled and struggled and one day, I just threw in the towel. I remember sometime in October I told my sister I didn't think i would make it to the new year and she shut that down really quickly. That's just to tell u how bad things got.

I started to envy the dead. I actually opened my mouth and said the dead were free from the troubles of this world. 

The devil really tried it with me in 2015. Guess what? I am here so that goes to tell me ALOT about myself. I am a survivor. Those who smile the widest hurt the deepest. 

The more things deteriorated, the more I cried and ate and slept and cried some more . 2015 was such a shit shit shit year ..like if I had the opportunity to erase the last 365 days by some miracle process I definitely will lie down and let them get it over with.

A lot of people asked me when I sent in my last post,why ain't you writing about your weightloss anymore ? Well the truth is because there is really nothing to write about. I am ashamed that I have gone back to the exact place where I started.The beginning.

I have deliberated over and over again wether to write this post but something clicked today when that song came on and I decided to. Because somebody out there may be going through IT as well and I really want them to know that the only way from down is up. It only gets better..

Am I scared ? Yes, because I know this post will be scrutinized and dissected and i will be judged ( it is allowed) I'll probably do same. we are all human right ? but if I didn't, I will be doing exactly what I did last year that engulfed my whole life. Hide and pretend, hope wish and know that nothing will ever change if I didn't change anything. 

Truth is I gained all of my weight back and then some and that's really hard to write for the whole world to see. but It feels so good to say it out loud, like this heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulder.so there you go people I am FAT again. 

This is NOT a pity party. This is a very strong disclaimer.i do not want anyone to feel sorry for me because I do not feel sorry for myself at least not anymore. I am just fat not dying of a terminal disease and an hour a day for 5 days in the week at the gym consecutively with watching my food portion will fix that it's simple maths .( easier said than done) but pls don't cry for me Argentina. It's not that serious.

I spent 2015 hiding, unhappy and mostly miserable. That year really rocked my boat. And when I said I would spend the rest of my life getting over it in my last post, I wasn't just writing I meant it.

From loosing my job, to getting dumped, public anxiety attacks, to being diagnosed with clinical depression,these are a few of my favourite things in 2015.

I was supposed to go watch fireworks on New Year's Eve and last minute I decided to go to church instead .. My prayer point that night as I cried and left it all on the alter was that God should change my story. Heal me from the inside out. 

I know for a fact that something happened that night and there was a shift in my entire spirit a change has come and my story has changed .yes it has . 

Now the loosing it part, that's the really difficult part. Not because I can't or won't go to the gym, but because i have to go through the emotional hula balu of blood, sweat and tears again. I did it before though so I have this thing on lock. LOL

So this is me coming to you again... Cliche right? I know. But that's why I created this blog to help me be accountable to myself.

So in the words of my famous first post on this blog, I am coming out, and I want the world to know (again) Lool. Stay with me. I am going somewhere.i promise you.

I will be updating you guys on my weightloss on a weekly basis the plan is to drop 120 pounds by Dec 31st 2016. 10 pounds a month, absolutely doable so far I leave bread and bread leaves me alone. 

The only thing you have to do is sit back and enjoy as u take this ride with me (again).

Side note : shout out to all those who found my predicament funny, made jokes about my weight gain to my hearing,Said I will not be able to do it again, or are sitting waiting to make a snide remark .this journey is specially dedicated to you. know this, when I am out of breath and feel like my lights are about to go out, I focus on your voices and I go HARDER,so thank you very much for igniting my fire.

Ladies and gentlemen it's about to be LIT. 

It's go time. 

Talk soon.

Nossybelle out. Xx