I had a really good laugh yesterday.

I was chatting with a close female friend of mine.

Apparently her boyfriend had made a honest remark about the way she looked AND THEN SHE RAISED THE ROOF..LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I sha told her she had added weight and she also almost ate me alive but she had actually added weight. In the time we had sat there she had eaten alot of rubbish and it took me all the will power in the world not to indulge so you can just imagine what her daily life style is when am not even there...

These boys dont learn! Shame!!!!! No matter how nice you try to be about it, a woman’s body is one sensitive topic, especially when she is standing there vulnerable in front of you. You might as well just get a gallon of fuel drop it all over your body and set yourself ablaze.

There’s no nice way to say to someone "'you are not attractive" because thats all we hear when your man says you have added weight but there are subtle ways in which you can drop a hint. I THINK!!!!

To be fair on the guys though, we always say love me for me right? but let’s be honest men are attracted by what they see first before they get to even think about getting to know if you are deaf, dumb mute or even a witch that flies at night.

Take me for example, all the guys i have dated (May God not let my mother think they are as many as12) as i was saying most of them are first attracted to me because i am big and that’s just what they like. Most times i go into the relationship happy that i have found my prince, live in fairytale land for a while and then am back to the statusqo, running from one diet to the other because the skinny child in me wants to break free.

I couldn’t understand their irritation at me most times. We would fight and fight and fight i would proclaim how this is my body and how it was my life and that "they should love me for me" my boyfriend asked me once, what if i started to grow a pot belly? Would you still love me for me? The answer is NO.. Nosayaba has a fat boy phobia.. yes take all offence me and you cannot be rolling all around town but never say never who knows my prince might be a Rick Ross lookalike..

This also applies to the size 6 ladies, your case is similar to mine but it’s the exact opposite. Lets look at this scenario, a guy meets the lady of his dreams. Slim, sexy, sultry, and ATTRACTIVE (this word is very relative so most times i avoid using it) what applies to peter may not apply to Paul.

You live in fairy tale land for a while and once  you assume you have found your prince charming BOOM.

A couple of months/years down the relationship line you start to expand your waistline, you can careless and then one day he says "baby u need to watch it you are putting on weight". heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy FIRE it has happened? Immediately you begin the usual rant " if you can’t love me like this then leave me alone" and every other unkind thing you can think of you storm out of the room because of anger go to fridge and bring out the bowl of rice at 11 pm warm it with three pieces of chicken and eat it and drink cold fanta to calm my nerves (that’s exactly what i would do). Truth is he loves you for you plus an extra 10 kg u just all of a sudden sprung on him and if he don’t give a damn about you he will run along.

How dare he tell me i am fat????You see the truth is in your moment of sanity, have you actually gone to take a look at those size 6 jeans to see if actually they can still zip? Tried to find out what you have done differently. Sometimes it’s even misconstrued. For me at that time of the month, i always feel and look bloated so it can be that or maybe you are stress eating or burying your problem under food who knows only you can decipher that.

What’s the best way to handle this? There is no best way but there are some warning signs ladies that we should look out for and likewise there are some tricks a man can use to whoop his woman back into shape without coming across as condescending.

Now ladies, most of the time the truth is if a man doesn’t give a damn about you, he won’t even talk about your weight. He would quietly just move back down the size ladder after all size 6 full everywhere.

There is no way you don’t know what your man wants or likes, you know how you are when he met you so try as much as possible to keep it that way. aside from pregnancy which is an amazing 9 months where u have a pass to even swallow your husband and eat every and anybody in sight you need to watch it.

Look out for the warning signs, these men always throw them around ALL the time.

For example,

·         your man who normally likes to go out for late dinners all of a sudden doesn’t want to go no more and even when he goes refuses to eat and you are there ordering the whole restaurant plus take away and you say baby eat now he says naah am trying to watch my weight and you continue to grub without taking a minute to think about the implication of that statement .....madam please borrow sense.

·        On Saturday morning you guys always snuggle in and sleep and all of a sudden he wakes you up to go out and run .............madams please borrow sense.

·        On the way home from work you normally pass through your favourite patisserie where you normally clear the croissant show case, and you guys will down 12 croissants together in traffic and then all of a sudden he walks to the wheat bread section and buys a bottle of water but you go ahead and buy the usual 12 and finish them alone before you get to the house while he has taken just two slices of bread all though? You get hope hop to the fridge like a magnet and bring out more food and you are wandering why he is eyeing you..............Madam please borrow sense....

·        Normally your man taps you playfully on the ass but these days when he wants to be playful he grabs unto that extra muffin top in front of you called STOMACH, he is not being cute he is warning you subtly if he wanted to be cute he knows how to hug.... madam please borrow sense.

·        He comes home at night to see u at 9pm waiting for him to get back from work you have cooked pounded yam and efo with all sorts of orishirishi normally he would eat it but because he is trying so hard to send a message across he reaches for just the efo but as the human dustbin you have turned yourself into, you don’t want food to waste so you open the pounded yam he won’t eat at 9 pm and add four pieces of meat and finish it all while he looks in awe... you are not a dustbin that’s why we have freezers. If you wrap and keep that pounded yam madam you won’t die................Madam please borrow sense

Most of the time, i seat and speak with my male friends, most of them have the horrid fear of waking up one day to a woman who has lost control of her body. They would also harp on the fact that when their own woman becomes unattractive to them they tend to sway and go outside to look for something that could pass as what they once had. Some don’t even drop any of this warning signs they just move on to the next available best thing.

I say kudos to the men who try at least by dropping these hints and not only doing that they also hold the hands of their partners through this gruelling process (Trust me it is a process) weight gain is not the end of the world or even a relationship, it is not one of those "what cannot be helped" situations if handled well, you can blossom your dead garden (relationship) back to a garden of roses.

My advice to men, don’t push, fling it or throw it in her face, be subtle like i said earlier all women have body image issues especially in front of a man she wants and strives to be sexy for all the time. Hold her hand through the process.

Don’t tell her things like "Baby see how you are rolling", you have shot yourself in the foot." when she walks out of the bathroom don’t say rubbish like "chei see belle" she will launch at you with fire coming from her eyes.

Try first of all finding out the possible cause of the weight gain (you are on your own i can’t help you here) or better still unbeknown to her start challenges tell her how your feeling fat even if you look like a broom stick and you need a work out buddy that will even motivate her " a couple that runs together " stays together .LOOL.

Also you need to be ready to change your life style as well. Don’t expect her to be eating broccoli and cabbage and want to come home and eat pounded yam and efo riro or on the way home you go and buy 12 croissants and eat all of them while she struggles to look the other way in traffic. That is just wickedness i would grab those croissants and fling them out the window.

Make a food and exercise time table together and try and hold each other accountable. Celebrate each other’s milestones by going out on healthy dates or even by buying each other celebratory gifts.

I hope you enjoy reading this post as much as i have enjoyed writing it. If any of you tries out any of my tips and it works please let me know. Reminder to guys “ If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

Ciao peeps.

Nossybelle out.x


Anonymous said…
Lmaoooooooooooooo I love you Nosa. Mowunmi xx
Anonymous said…
Awesome post me laffin hard..I totally agree with ur view here
Anonymous said…
Fantastic piece

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