A change is coming.
|I LOVE THIS PICTURE BECAUSE IT BARES MY SOUL.|
In a totally unrelated topic to weight loss, I just want to ramble on about something that crossed my mind this AM.
This is my Diary right? So i assume that i can ramble.
I was sitting at my desk, taking a little work break, LOL. Feel free to judge me for goofing.
Looking at some random pictures. I came across a photo of a girl that i used to be friends with and all of a sudden we just grew apart.
To tell the honest truth, i have never said this out loud but back then i used to snap easily.(i still do anyways) but trust me i am working on it very hardly. What makes it harder for me not to snap is the fact that i have to cry when I cannot scream at you and some people view that as a sign of weakness and i never want to be tagged weak ever.
Currently looking for another means whereby i can channel my frustrations maybe i should buy a stress ball and squeeze or bite it anytime someone pisses me off ...hmmm anyone know where i can get one ? Thanks in advance.
So as i was saying, i looked at this girls picture and i couldn’t even remember what caused us to fight or whatever. I just could only see us back when we were really friends and very happy. We would laugh and laugh alot about nonsense. i am giggling writing this post at some of our craziness.
I most probably will reach out to her after writing this post.
Last night something happened and a friend sent me a subtle message, telling me how proud of me she was, but in there lay a clause which spoke about my "quick to anger" approach to things even if the message was a mode of encouragement, that part stuck out.
The truth is at 174 kg. I was basically fighting to have a place in this world. Some people saw me as the undisciplined girl who deserved to be humiliated constantly till she decided to change her life. I had being a big child all of my life and the constant chants of it was all baby fat rang and rang in my ears until i had crossed the point of no return.
At the age of 21, you aren’t going to be able to hide under that blanket anymore; people saw me as a woman and expected me to act like one control what I put in my mouth. I could hear the frustration in my father’s voice when he spoke to me about my weight.
My mum too had tried all manner of tactics, from cajoling, to violence (not physical abuse) forcing me to get up from bed to go and exercise and screaming me down till i went even if eventually i sat at the corner of the street, out of line of sight of my parents found a stone sat and slept while people jogged by.
I slowly became angry at the world. Misplaced aggression. Like my aunty called it on Sunday when we were chatting. A lot of people have even commented on my more frequent smiling face.
W ho was i to blame? No one but myself. I refused to take responsibility so i devised a means where i would lash out at anything and any one. Defense mechanism.
I have lived in anger and pain for a very long time because of my obesity, so much so that any time anyone said anything to me i would link it to that (obesity) and lash out full blown. Come at you guns blazing .Trust me you do not want to come under my tongue. I have being known to make grown men weep.
This is a feet i am no longer proud of. I want a full blown overhaul, not only in my body but in my life as well, no matter how beautiful you are on the outside, its what’s on the inside that matters the most.
So when i read that message from my friend yesterday, let me quote her.
"Belle my Love, be encouraged. With your weightloss which is supercedeing my expectations to my joy and delight, just include an attitude improvement too.
Not because I have the best attitude but cos sometimes its better to be the bigger person. Try really hard to control yourself from flipping all the time no matter who gets on your nerves.
It’s easier said than done but I see it going a long way to help with your new personality. Be strong and tough but just enough.
You will soon be a wife and mum to a lucky Man and lovely kids. And ur attitude today determines ur altitude in life. Treat others how you'd like them to treat you.
And smile abeg! You are way prettier. Let no man steal the Joy the Almighty has placed in your heart".
I just said to myself God, give me this kind of wisdom and he showed me this verse Prov 12 through another friend.
"If you shrug off an insult and refuse to take offense you demonstrate discretion indeed.But the fool has a short fuse and will immediately let you know he is offended"
It was like he had answered my initial prayers for wisdom.
Then and there i realized that i longer had to be angry, or sad or scared, i no longer am under any trap, i am free from the burden of obesity. I am not where i want to be yet, but i am very well on my way.
People see me as a human being now and not some animal that has no self control. I am able to help thousand so of people through my blog, i am happy, and healthy what else do I want? Like she very rightfully said, let no man steal my Joy it is mine, mine mine mine. Yes all MINE!
I no longer want to be the fool who is quick to anger. I know i am a good person and i will like to work on my personality so that the rest of the world can see that too.
I will just employ all parties involved in my madness tantrums to be patient with me, it takes a lot for a man to admit that he actually does have a problem so bear with me this will not happen overnight but I am willing to try my hardest and bestest and you all need to do your part and get me that stress ball i need something to squeeze and bite when I get upset….LOL
A change is coming and i am excited
Okay back to work my loves.