This has been a long time coming.
About 3 months ago, someone who was reading my blog asked me to write about confidence.
At 161kg I stood tall like an Iroko tree, looking fearless, I had this demeanor it was so scary, even I knew but it was a way of keeping people out because I had an inferiority complex about the way I looked. I was morbidly obese and unhappy.
I guarded myself in such a strategized manner that I was able to guise my shame to resemble CONFIDENCE and you know what most people fell for it. This is one of the things I have actually realized in this journey. Back then, people would say “Nosa for a fat girl you are so confident”
Maybe they indeed where right up to a point, but I still felt restricted and barricaded with and by my fatness. I was hiding under massive layers of unhappiness. I was such a pleasant individual outwardly,it would take only someone with an eagles eye to see all the pain behind my smile.
When my friend told me to write about confidence, I actually titled the post but when it came down to putting something down. It hit me “you can’t give what you don’t have”.
I actually realized that since I had body image issues and was struggling with confidence, there really was nothing I could talk about. Coincidentally I had lost about 10 kg back then putting me in the 150’s but I was still struggling.
Today sitting very pretty in the 120’s, yes how far we have come. I haven’t updated my weight on the blog for a while so this is officially telling you, we are in the 120’s. woohoooooo….
Anyways, back to the point I am trying to drive, I have always hated presentations, not because I am Dumb, or not audible or eloquent I am the opposite of all these things to be honest. I just hated to stand in front of people because I believed they were rather looking at the human matter in front of them rather than listen to what I had to say.
It was always a nerve racking session for me, being in front of people, I was always ashamed of myself and what I looked like. My friends and I would go out and when it was time to come down from the car I would freeze, adamantly refuse to get down from the car, so they would eventually have to go in and out of the car by themselves.
I also hated going to meet people at places, id rather be the first to get there and sit down and pick a good spot to hide and also be the last to leave so no one would see how much bigger I had gotten from the last time.
Another place I hated where the banks. That machine that always screamed when I got in. ”please exit from the cabin only one person allowed please” Let me not even go there, the absolute WORST. My strategy when I go to the bank is to make sure that I am standing outside ALONE so no one will see my disgrace. I will fly into the machine and hurriedly signal to the door man to open the door for me MANUALLY before the door started to scream rubbish.
Last Friday I went to hang out with my friend and his friends (guys) about 6 in number. Normally when I get to wherever it is that I am going to, I will refuse to go up and meet the other members of the gang, I would convince the person I came to see to stay down there with me and I would never go up ever.
So when Friday night came, I put on regular jeans, shirt and sandals. Without make up on. Now yes, that is CONFIDENCE. Strutting my stuff with all my imperfections to the world, I could even careless. I used to really love make up before because at least if my body no fine my face fine well well. lool.
What even made it better was my friend held my hand to lead me to the table of men and I felt he wanted the whole world to know he knew that girl.(don’t mind me) as my friend and I walked in to meet the rest of the gang, I would normally have hidden my face in my phone even if the battery was dead, looking at an empty screen or pretended to receive a call just to make it to my seat without tumbling over. hahahahaha
Somehow, that night I walked in with my head held up high, no makeup on, dressed like a regular joe and marched passed everybody and sat down in my seat, that’s another thing I used to worry about. The chairs, I think that used to make me break a sweat more because, nothing will be worse for me in this world, being morbidly obese and then going ahead to break a chair in PUBLIC. In fact, it never happened so we just bless the Lord.
I enjoyed the hell out of myself that night. I laughed freely without wondering if I was laughing too much and my tummy or arms were jiggling. When it was time to go, I walked very CONFIDENTLY in front of the guys letting them watch that booty move from side to side. I earned it guys, all those staircase climbing for hips I needed to let it show.
One of the guys even told me to carry on with whatever it was I was doing that I looked really good. My friend later confessed to me that they were all just amazed at how good I looked and tried as much as possible not to stare too much. My head almost busted.
On Monday, I have a presentation at work, my former fear of how I look would have surpassed my ability to present properly, but here I am sitting thinking more about my presentation and hoping to God that I do not say too much rubbish and get blasted. I know I won’t bother that people are staring at my huge stomach wondering if I am pregnant, or just wondering where the heck is her neck?
It’s the weekend tomorrow I just can’t wait. Just like last week, this weekend is going to be more fun filled that the last one.
I will tell you all about it on Monday.
P.S: I may be buried in food sin from this weekend to the next. Please don’t judge me.
See you guys soon.
Birthday shout out to my P.A in the future when “Diaryofafoodiee” gets recognized. Tai, baby peaches, happy birthday baby, hope you have a day as beautiful as yourself. I love you more than Beans and rice.